Waste
by Leja Moonshadow
Summary: Draco's writing about his step=brother's suicide. Good read, lot's of angst. Lots of language though, hence rating. R/R


  
Waste  
  
Disclaimer: I'd think by now you'd know the routine......Not mine, J.K.'s, don't sue cuz I have no money, yadda yadda yadda ya..........on to the story.  
  
Your mother came up to me.  
She wanted answers only she should know,  
only she should know.  
It wasn't easy to deal   
with the tears that rolled down her face.  
  
"I'm sitting next to your grave right now. `Course, if that shit they say in church is even half true, you probably already knew that. Your mom stopped me yesterday. She wanted me to tell her why you commited suicide. How the hell should I fucking know!? You never told me you bastard......you just did it. It's funny how I didn't find out that you weren't my real brother until a little bit after you killed yourself. Hell, didn't even know who my real father was. I guess your death revealed a few little secrets.......  
  
I had no answers `cause i   
didn't even know you.  
  
I wake up in the middle of the night and run to your bedroom so you can tell me that it's ok like you always used to do but you're not there. You bastard, you're not there for me..... Nothing will bring you back, there's no magic in the world powerful enough to bring back idiotic brothers back from the dead just so they can support their younger brothers....... I'm laughing right now because of the irony of what I just thought but again, if that muggle-loving old priest was right, you knew that already.  
  
But these words,  
They can't replace,   
the life you,  
the life you waste.  
  
How in the hell could you do this to us? To me especially....... You had it all. You were smart.... great at quidditch..... all around great guy...... Why? Why then? When I needed you most? You knew that my biological mother.....that bitch...and my supposed `father' were going through a rocky time. You knew how I hated the fights, how got the nightmares when they screamed......You bastard, you knew. I can't really even begin to comprehend how I feel. There are times when I want to cry like the baby that I am infront of your grave and scream at the sky at the injustice of it all. Then I want to dig you up, revive you and then kill you myself for leaving me all alone with my doubts, fears........with them! And you couldn't even tell me how you felt........  
  
How could paint this picture?  
Was life as bad as it should seem   
that there were no more options for you?  
I can't explain how I feel,  
I've been there many times before.  
I've tasted the cold steel of my life  
crashing down before me.  
  
Nothing's working anymore. I found out who my real father was. Sirius Black. Which just great now, because I'm related in a way to that fool Potter. Sirius and Narcissa had been dating and had conceived me. But when I was still in the womb, Mom left him and went for Lucius. He adopted me. Luckily Sirius, Lucius, and I had the same eye color. However they changed my hair to blonde. And you weren't my real brother. You came from Lucius's previous marriage. So my whole entire fucking life has been one big stack of lies. And you knew as well........  
  
But these words,  
They can't replace,  
the life you,  
the life you waste.  
  
Didn't Lucius take care of you? He gave us both everything we wanted. Sure, it isn't love, but it's better than nothing right? I know he protected you. He never let you get into harms way. Hell, I'm not even his son and he makes sure I'm protected! He never controlled you. I know that. He never controls me. Might tell me how to act around certain people but that's normal......Isn't it? We used to be so close, you and I. You could have told me. You knew you could........  
  
Did Daddy not love you?  
Or did he love you just too much?  
Did he control you?   
Did he live through you at your cost?  
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?  
  
I hate you so fucking much. You left me alone and you weren't strong enough to be with me! I looked up to you, more than anyone! But then you killed yourself, leaving me alone, with no hero! Do you know what it's like to find out that the one person, the ONE person you looked up to more than anyone in the whole entire fucking world, was a weak little boy who felt there was no other options but death? Do you know a thing about the pain I've gone through?! NO! You don't! You never knew a goddamn thing! Nothing! You goddamn bastard you! You don't know I'm here, you don't hear these thoughts.....You're just rotting away like you should, You bastard!! I'm just wasting my fucking time!"  
  
Well fuck them, and fuck her,  
and fuck him, and fuck you  
for not having the strength in your heart to pull through!  
I've had doubts,  
I have failed,  
I've fucked up,   
I've had plans,  
doesn't mean I should take my life with my own hands  
  
Draco Malfoy got up, wiping the tears from his eyes and closing his notebook, resting his tired hand. He stared at the pages of thoughts he had written about his step-brother since his death years before.  
"This is the last time you bastard. The last time." he whispered to no one. He set the notebook next to the grave and stood up. Walking away slowly, he turned to look at the grave one last time. The grave that read:  
  
Darius Malfoy  
The son, brother, and friend   
that we'll never forget.  
  
But these words,  
they can't replace,  
the life you,  
the life you waste.  
  
But these words,  
they can't replace,  
the life you,  
the life you waste!  
  
Screwed up fic, I know. Idea for it has been bouncin around for awhile. The eye color thing is true. In the third book, it said that Sirius had lighter colored eyes while in dog form. They never said what his human form eyes were like, so I assumed that they didn't change from dog to human. Some may say this is contradictory. Well, so is Draco Malfoy's personality. So NAH! The song is Staind's. Not mine. You got that lawyers? N O T M I N E, write it down if you need to. Go ahead and flame, we're havin a cook out tonight and need the flames anyway......  
  
~Leja  
  
*Dedicated to Jonathon Tibbits, who felt there was no other way out a few days ago and to all the people in the New York, Washington D.C. and all those affected by the catostropy, namely the whole entire world. That's right, this is dedicated to all of you.*  
  



End file.
